Chapter 4.07 Sorry

Even after all these years, Roisin and Lainey have only had three large fights

Don’t get the wrong impression. They argued often when they were younger (they were sisters after all) but had only had three large arguments in their lives. The first one was when they were about six and seven. Because Joe was in the year above Roisin in school, and was in Lainey’s class, Roisin often felt left out whenever Lainey and Joe would spend time together as friends at school, and Lainey was annoyed whenever Joe would spend more time with Roisin if he ever came over after school when they were little. Even though it was a very petty fight, they were annoyed at each other for days and wouldn’t talk about it. It got to the point where the two of them refused to be in the same room together, resulting in Nick and Juniper getting involved, many times, having to force them to apologise to each other. It was kinda funny for everyone to think back on that fight now.

The second one was when they were twelve and thirteen. Roisin had a habit of taking some of Lainey’s clothes and wearing them herself (even though they had the same amount of clothes, Roisin got bored with her own constantly and wanted new ones, hence why she often took Lainey’s), which escalated into Lainey using various objects to force her wardrobe doors shut before Roisin could borrow something, or specifically organising and rearranging her clothes so she could tell if something was taken. It wasn’t one long fight however, it was a long series of short arguments that began to deteriorate their relationship, a fight which involved them taking more personal hits, like Roisin constantly making fun of the way Lainey spoke when she first got her braces, or Lainey mocking Roisin when she got upset (which was kinda often). That, again, was solved by Juniper and Nick getting involved, creating a communal wardrobe as well as a separate one each. The rules were that they had to put about half of their clothes in the communal wardrobe, and if they took something, they had to replace it with something else from their wardrobe. Again, it was funny to think back to that fight.

 

They were the three fights that really stuck out to Lainey at least. They were funny stories to think about now. Maybe she should call-

Just as she was about to reach for her phone, Lainey hesitated, and pulled her hand away. Roisin probably didn’t want to talk. It was just after midnight where Lainey was, but back home it was probably only about eight.

This was their third largest fight, and it made Lainey feel awful because she knew it was all her fault, and that this wouldn’t be like the others. Unlike this one, the other two large fights were petty and could easily be resolved. This one, on the other hand, couldn’t. She threatened Roisin, made her feel afraid and made her cry. All of that she did for her own personal gain. What kind of shit sister does that?

 

When the two of them used to share a bedroom, before any of her competitions competitions, or if either of them had a bad dream, the two of them would talk late at night about anything. Usually it was about random things that had happened the day before at school, or something funny they saw.

And now, here she was, the night before the biggest competition she’ll ever have in her life, and she can’t even talk to the person who means the most to her, all because she fucked up.

Roisin probably didn’t want to talk to her right now. Or maybe…?

 

Lainey got her phone, and opened up the contacts. Her finger hovered over the call button next to Roisin’s name for a long time, considering whether or not she wanted to do this right now. On the one hand, she really wanted to talk to Roisin and apologise for what she said.

On the other hand, Roisin likely didn’t want to talk.

 

Putting her phone back down, Lainey looked up at the ceiling as she thought about everything that’s happened, all because of those performance enhancers. The obvious answer would have been to just stop after Caleb found them, and then everything would have been solved. Sure things would have been awkward between her and Caleb, but not as awkward as they were now. It’s easy to quit in theory, but in reality it didn’t seem so simple.

Was she addicted to them? It wasn’t something Lainey ever considered before, but she began to think about it more, and she realised that she was one of those athletes now. Those disgusting athletes that cheat, either by drugs or other means, and cry about it on national TV when they’ve been found out.

Was she one of them now? She filled out all the criteria, the only thing left would be if she got caught.

 

Somewhat reluctantly, she tried to get those thoughts out of her head as she tried to get to sleep. Tomorrow was one of the most important days of her life, she couldn’t waste it from being tired.

After quite a while of trying, Lainey eventually managed to get to sleep.

 

It was moments before their turn, as Lainey and Caleb saw the duo before them getting ranked. Glancing at him, she mumbled. “Good luck.”

His eyes fixed on anything but her, he grumbled as he walked off. “I’d say the same, but do you really need it?”

The fact that the two of them were both still here showed that Caleb didn’t tell anyone about Lainey’s cheating, after all, if he told someone, they’d both get disqualified and would have to wait another four years until the next Winter Olympics. That had to be the only reason why he hasn’t told anyone yet, because he cared too much to let go now.

 

As it was soon their turn to go on the ice, it really dawned on Lainey what was happening. Possibly the biggest moment of her life, the thing she’s worked so long for, and it wasn’t even her skating. Well, it was her, but not at the same time. It didn’t feel like it was her, but someone else. The person she’s become, and the person she’s changed into. The person she’s changed into was, without a doubt, the worst version of herself. The person she was now is a bitch. The version of her that vowed never to cheat would probably be calling her a twat. a bitch, a cunt, and every other dirty word under the sun.

 

There was the sound of Caleb walking off, without her. A few months ago, the way they would stand before a competition was a lot less hostile than what it’s turned into now. Before it used to be two friends (more than friends? Lainey wasn’t sure what exactly they were) who both wanted to win more than anything, having enough faith in each other that they could win. Now, it more felt one-sided. She still believed in him, but she knew he didn’t believe in her anymore.

 

It was weird, but she felt weirdly calm. Was it because of the routine? The two of them have poured hours into it, and put in all of their effort into for so many months of practice. It was easily the best performance the two of them had ever worked on, and despite the fact they were going to be being watched by thousands in the audience, and millions at home, it didn’t feel that way. Like with any other competition, she knew that dancing on the ice with Caleb felt like it was the two of them. Maybe that’s why everything felt easier, really. Because she was with him. Even in the lowest point in their relationship, things just felt easier with him.

 

It was weird because even when the two of them were first starting out doing couples, it almost felt right that they were with each other, and it was clear that the two of them were better skaters together (maybe that was why Nick felt the need to watch over practices more? He was always like that whenever she even mentioned boys), and it felt easier, because she wasn’t alone. Now though? Even though she was surrounded by people, and Caleb was a mere few feet from her, she felt alone.

It was only when she was told she had to go on the ice that she began to truly think about all of this. Even though she was in a competition surrounded by winners, she felt like a loser that was all alone.

 

It was long after their event ended, the evening before they had to leave, when Lainey built up the courage to talk to Caleb, going to his hotel room. It was a while after she knocked when he answered. “Hey Caleb? Can we talk?”

He visibly stiffened upon seeing her. Despite him learning about her activities a while ago, and the two of them winning silver together, nothing was fixed. Things were still exceedingly awkward between the two of them.

 

“I wanted to say sorry.” She started, feeling anxious. She knew deep down that he would never tell anyone about her secret as it would cause them both to lose the silver they won together.

“Sorry about the cheating or the lying in order to cheat?” He asked, reluctantly letting her inside his hotel room.

“Sorry about causing this mess, and about all of it, and about ruining what we had.” She started her apology.

 

“Okay, sure. You’ll say sorry, but how do I know you’ll even mean anything by it?” Caleb asked, eyes narrowed at her.

“Because I got rid of them. All of them. Cold turkey.” She mumbled, glancing at him and then avoiding eye contact. “I’ve lied, cheated and hurt a lot of people, including two of the people I care most about. I said and did some really shitty things to Roisin, and I basically crapped on all the hard work you’ve put in by doing everything I’ve done.” She spoke quietly, looking at him again. “I… I only started because I didn’t want to lose what I had, which makes no sense thinking about it now because I have pretty much, and if I was honest I would have lost everything. I’ve worked so hard to get this far, but all that’s happened is that I’ve hurt people and disgraced the sport I love so much, that we both love so much.” Tears in her eyes, she looked down. “I get it if you can’t forgive me, I wouldn’t forgive me either, but I really am sorry. If I was in singles I would have come clean, but I know that if I do then they’ll start talking to you and maybe you’ll end up losing your medal too, and I know you’ve worked hard to earn it, the good way.”

 

He stayed quiet, just watching her.

“I’ve been thinking about it since our routine, and I’ve decided to quit the competing side of skating.”

“What?” He asked, that statement taking him off guard. Part of him figured she would, but to hear her say it?

“I know it’s a dick move because you’ll either have to go into singles or find a new partner, but I don’t like the kind of person I’ve become. I know that if the old Lainey saw me, she’d probably call me a cheating cunt, and I am one. I’ve become an awful person. I threatened my own sister for fuck’s sake just to get here!” Sighing heavily, she ran her hand through her hair. “I-I can’t do this. I can’t.”

 

 

For the first time, from when they met as talented teenagers who were good at figure skating to now, Caleb saw Lainey begin to break down into tears. He honestly didn’t think that she could cry. “Lain…” He started, watching her. He moved over towards her and hugged her.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Burying herself into him, she felt embarrassed getting upset like this, but it made her happy that she and Caleb have made up, kind of. She figured things won’t be normal between them, but at least this could be a step back in the right direction, right?

 

When Lainey got back to the flat, Roisin stood up when she came in, feeling awkward. “Hey, so, silver medal, huh? You must be pretty-”

“Performance enhancing drugs.” She stated simply.

 

“What?” Roisin asked, confused.

“That’s what I was on. That’s why I needed you to do the drugs test for me, because I was on them to help me get better at skating. That’s why I threatened you and scared you because I was worried that I would get caught, and I knew if I told you the truth then you wouldn’t go along with it, so I used violence and intimidation to get what I wanted. It was stupid and wrong. I cheated, lied and I hurt both Caleb and you in the process and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I did to you. But, I’m not doing that anymore. I’ve quit them cold turkey and I’m not competing anymore.” Lainey’s voice wavered as she spoke.

 

Roisin stared at her, dumbfounded by her confession. She took a moment before going over to her and hugging her tightly. “Please don’t hide something like this from me again. I was really worried about you.” Roisin frowned, looking at her. “I-I didn’t know what was going on with you. I thought that, I don’t know what. I was just really scared. I-I thought you had changed for good and I thought you had just turned into this completely different person.”

 

“I’m sorry, and know that I really mean that. For everything, and for putting you through it.” Hugging her tightly again, Lainey buried her head into Roisin’s shoulder. “I said really nasty things to you before I left, and I didn’t mean any of them. The things I did and said I’ll never truly forgive myself for because I know you probably felt scared of me and that’s not okay with me. Nothing, and I mean nothing, should make me do that to you and I’m so, so sorry. I mean, I know sorry doesn’t really mean much because it doesn’t take back what I did but I really mean it, and I know things are going to be awkward and I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

 

Glancing towards her bedroom, Roisin asked. “So, that text you sent me, about throwing away that box in your room…?” Lainey had sent her a text saying for her to get a box that was in her room and either throw it away, or flush all the contents. Roisin didn’t really understand what it meant, but she did it anyway.

Nodding, Lainey glanced in the direction of her room. She knew that she couldn’t get rid of them on her own without sneakily keeping some, so it seemed easier to get an unsuspecting Roisin to throw it all away. “I’m not being that person anymore. I want to go back to who I was, no matter what.”

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AN: I feel like people forgiving Lainey and her not truly getting some kind of evil karma in return does feel like a bit cop-out-ish, but Roisin isn’t the kind of person to lash out or hold a grudge. She’s just happy that Lainey’s being honest with her again.

Originally I had bigger plans for the pictures but then between laptocalypse and me being lazy… Heh, yeah.